I have struggled with the concept of it in my childhood years.
Growing up in an Asian family meant that my father doesn't openly show his love to me.
And mom had to work to support the family, and was seldom around.
I was packed away to the babysitter who took care of me for the money my mother paid,
and at home, I lived in the mortal terror of an abusive father who didn't know how to relate to me.
As a slow learner, I was the source of constant exasperation for my teachers in kindergarten, and they showed their displeasure at my behavior easily.
So, whilst I was a child, I yearned for love. I didn't fully know what it was, but it was that empty spot inside my heart that needed to be filled.
I wanted my perfectionist dad's approval, I wanted the love of a mother who could be there for me when I needed her the most. And then I learned to cope by drawing into my own self. I started daydreaming, and in my head, were the other me who approved of what I did, and was there for me whenever I needed someone around who cared. But imperfect reflections of reality that they were, I still ached inside.
I tried to find love in friendship, and sought out to befriend others, but I was an awkward and withdrawn person, hardly the life of the party, and when I tried, it often showed through its plasticity that I was trying too hard. I soon learned that friends are fickle, and are like me, only human. They err, they lie, they take advantage of me. And friends leave, and friends die. As much as they love to chant the mantra that friendship lasts forever, the sobering truth is that friendship takes constant maintenance to last longer than a flash in a pan.
And then there's women. Good Lord, this is going to be a long post. Here goes.
I guess it's the first time I've written about this in detail.
Unofficially, the first time I've had an interest in a girl was in kindergarten. No one really knew what it was about, only that it was fun and I had a playmate by the name of S- W- (What? You'd think I'll kiss and tell???) Now, she was the only one among us who didn't mind playing with me and we really had fun. And in my childish innocence, I didn't know the implications behind a ring, and presented her with one. Her parents freaked the hell out, and that was the last I ever saw of Ms. W-. Till today, I wonder what had become of her. Fast forward to when I was 10. There was a girl in my class who was top of her class, and she was my rival for top spot in English. She was beautiful, and was a prefect. Y- L- Y- was her name, and I often daydreamed of her, or rather the idea of being accepted by her. Anyway, I lost contact for a great many years after I shifted school, and when we got back in touch, I could barely recognize her when we reconnected. I learned from that experience that time changes people. Then in my 13th year, I met this girl who was one year my senior. She was tall, funny, and had a great smile. She's a badminton player from my church. I made the mistake of speaking my mind one day to her and got a tight slap for my troubles- she never spoke to me ever again. And the next year, I guess a crush really hit me hard when I got to know a girl from my music school- G- Y- S-. She was a real stunner, had a laugh that was ... like the pealing of bells, and she's a harper. The way her hair falls over her shoulder gives me chills to this day. Ah, the follies of youth, I loved her truly, but as a greenhorn, I didn't know what it was to be a boyfriend, and soon she got bored of me. At the end of the year, she dumped me at youth camp, and that was my introduction to the harsh realities of rejection. I couldn't understand, and couldn't cope with pretending to be ok with seeing her every sunday in the youth group, and so I left. And worse, I started experimenting.
I was curious: did I have it in me to replicate what she did to me? To heartlessly ditch her once I've ensnared her. I repeat, I was curious, not malicious. That was way later. However for this next one, I chose an innocent victim, a common friend I shared with G- Y- S-. Her name is A- W-, and she ... she had a good heart, at least back when I first knew her. I went through the motions of being somewhat a semblance of a boyfriend, but I was wondering what awaited at the end of it all. And then I realized that I have actually fallen for her, and I came clean. Sure, she was hurt to know my original intentions, but she accepted my true feelings for her. However, it was our important year in terms of academics and our grades were being affected by our flirting so I had to call a time out for our relationship. I promised her that I would wait for her after our Form 5, and walked out the door reluctantly. True enough, I kept my promise, and we got back together years later. However, time changed her, and she wasn't the same A- W- that I knew and loved years ago. She had changed, as did I, and we mutually agreed to part ways. However, I found my answer-
Yes, to say goodbye to a loved one hurts like a kick in the balls.
After the 2 aforementioned serious relationships with GYS and AW, I decided not to go serious. That's when I knew Melia and BZX. Melia's one of the few I dare name openly, because she's a dear friend whom I truly loved whom I immortalized in the naming of my classical guitar. Everytime her name crosses my mind, I am reminded of her genuine care and friendship. She kept me company on the telephone for countless nights, and it staved away the tides of loneliness. BZX was a tragedy, and I was the one at fault. I loved her too, and in a false moment, sealed my fate by heading to TARC for F6 instead of going back to MBSSKL, back to the girl who came for me, and found me elsewhere. BZX, if I could wind back the clock, I would've come back for you. I didn't know you seriously came for me, and I beg your forgiveness.
Then came Serious#3, Alexis of Butterworth. I knew her whilst working as a librarian in KTP, we met online, and it was my first long distance relationship. We carried on for more than a year, and even into university. But I got distracted there, and wasn't around for her, and then tragically, she died in a car accident. We never met, and never will. Sometimes I wish she were still alive, and we'd be together still. I learnt from this experience that no one is immortal, we must love whilst we must.
And then in my rebellious phase of my life, I decided to date Serious#4- the antithesis of the girl my parents would approve. She was into metal music, a free spirit, and sexually promiscuitive. She was short, brilliant, and...Malay. ahahhah, yeah. She educated me in the Venusian arts, but we never went all the way. A.M. was her name, and I found out later that her ancestor was the much celebrated Abdullah Hukum. Well, whaddaya know, she shocked me one day by converting to Christianity without my knowledge. However, my dad couldn't accept her, and it was a cause for contention between my dad and I. In the end, due to irreconcilable differences, I let her go.
There are too many rejections to list while I was in uni. There was Rachel, and Angela, and Angelicia, and countless others. Sometimes I wish I've never met them, and that I wouldn't be as scarred as I am today, but each of them taught me valuable lessons that have shaped my being me today.
Then there's S- T- or now my brother and I refer to her affectionately as Satan. She was special, for she dated my brother and I at the same time. And we fought, my brother and I, over her, and for a year, our relationship as siblings were strained. We were both dumped in due time, and now we share a burning hate for the being we call Satan. However, she inspired some of the best pieces of music I composed, but not the best.
After her was the Innocent Violinist, J- W- Y- L-. She was really an angel, and about 8 years my junior. She's really talented in the arts of music, but I couldn't tie her down. I wanted a physical relationship, so she just wouldn't do. Also was Hanna of Philippines, my short-lived prank relationship designed to shock my friends and hers as well. It didn't go well. I fell in love with her, and had to cut her loose before more damage was done. By now I knew I was a bad influence, and I tend to hurt the ones I love.
Then came the final blow- La Mia Bambina Bella, alternately known as Emily (not her real name). In a nutshell, she seduced me, I fell in love with her, she left her distant nonfunctional boyfriend for me, we lasted about 4 months, and then proceeded to dump me on Valentine's Day. She was the only one I knew intimately, and sometimes I ache when I think of those days spent with her. She inspired my greatest composition, an Italian song called Emilia, and though she was the only girl I'd seriously thought I'd marry. Yes, it was so close. But in the end, like a rose plucked from the plant, her love died. Now she is with a guy to whom I was introduced to as "not her type". Apparently I was deceived, and it smote my pride.
Well, there were others after that, like Trinity, and XW. But now I am on guard, and I am trying hard not to fall for another that I may hurt. Or get hurt in return.
And now I despair, I am irreversibly scarred by years of wear and tear, and the strength of my youth has been given to another. I am spent, and I am weary. And now I know that of all these loves I've pursued in life, the only one worth mention is the love of God.
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
<Galatians 2:20>
